twice the smartass, half the laughs
Happy Valentine's Day
Post Date:

As you may or may not know, we (by "we" I mean Shelley and I) have recently begun potty training Allee. We utilize a dual "repetition and reward" method that seems to be working fairly effectively. We repeatedly put her on the potty to see if she needs to go, and when she does, we reward her with M&Ms. (which she delightfully refers to as "M"s) Like I said before, this method is working pretty well, but we discovered a circumstance in which it's not a effective as it could be. The other night (or last night, depend on when I post this) our friends Ren and Gary (the Doppelganger's parents) came over for dinner. Shelley made some delicious red beans and rice (except she forgot the rice - don't tell her I told you though), and we all thoroughly enjoyed it. After dinner, we gave the youngins some M&Ms as a little after dinner treat. It was at this time, as we were all sitting around in the living room, that Shelley informed me that Allee hadn't been to the bathroom since they got home. She asked me to take her in there and see if she needed to go. I said to Allee "Hey baby, let's go to the bathroom to see if you need to tee-tee." She looked right up at me and said (without missing a beat) "Why? I already HAVE M's." How awesome is that, really? Pretty awesome I think.

In other news, HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY EVERYONE!! I hope you all have a great day on this, quite possibly the most commercial and fakest holiday ever (Even more so than the big "C"). That's right peeps, the most fakest. Even though Valentine's Day is not a real holiday and was just propagated by the greeting card companies to sell more of their shit, and even though I truly love my girls every day of the year whether or not I shower them with pink, heart-shaped trinkets, I still feel compelled to lay out the scratch (which as you know... I am rolling in) for some stuff for my ladies. This year... well, I won't tell you what I got them cause as of this posting I haven't given them their gifts yet, but let's just say that I can expect some serious hugs and kisses from Allee and something... well... a little more adult oriented from Shelley (cue seventies porn music here.... um... don't tell her I said that) in response to my wonderful gifts. Speaking of gifts, I already got mine from Shelley and Allee. Shelley gave me a card and a "Little Miss Sunshine" DVD, and also a big ol' bag of miniature Reese' peanut butter cups. (Which just happens to be her all time favorite candy. Coincidence? Hmmmm...) And Allee... oh, Allee gave me the best gift you can give your doting daddy. She not only spent the morning screaming and crying and trying to hit me, she also insured that I was half an hour late for work. That's love baby. Also, surprisingly, she's given me this gift more than once, and as we all know, will freely share that gift with me again. What can I say? She's a giver. Anyway, all bullshit aside, it is difficult when she's that way, but... she is only two and a half, so, those types of things are to be expected. It does make it harder though, that she's so incredibly awesome when she's not in a bad mood. Fortunately for Shelley and me, she's more often in a good mood than not.

So, before I go, Shayne Charles (my African American black coworker of color) was kind enough to clue me into what he whimsically refers to "the problem with white people". You here that whitey crackers?? Shayne Charles has your number and I'm calling you out about it. You see, apparently when white people go to the store, they're like "Do-do-do-do-do"... but when black people go to the store, they're like "AWWWWWW YEAH!!!". No...wait, now that I think about it, he didn't say anything like that. Shayne was hanging around my desk not doing any work (typical huh? I mean... I wasn't doing any work. Shayne was actually waiting to talk to someone in a work related capacity.) when he asked me if I had seen the movie "Life" starring Martin Lawrence and Eddie Murphy. I informed him that I didn't watch movies with black people in them, unless they sang and danced in it. No... wait... I'm sorry, that's not right. I believe my actual answer was "Um, no Shayne, I sure haven't. Was it funny?" Well, Shayne couldn't believe that I hadn't seen it, and it was directly due to this disbelief that Shayne decide to enlighten a brother (me being the brother in this case). "You know what the problem is with you white people?" Shayne asked me. My mind raced. What could it be? That we can't dance? Our uptight attitudes? That we're not as gifted in our genital endowments? What COULD it be? Well, according to Shayne, the problem with white people is that they don't watch enough black programming. I couldn't believe it!! I quickly tried to defend myself. "But Shayne," I said, "I loved Family Matters (that was the worst predominantly African American show that I could think of off the top of my head)." Shayne would not be swayed by this. I mentioned the Jeffersons, which I thought would be good for my argument. I mean, not only are the main characters successful black people, but every white person portrayed on that show was an idiot. Bently? Come on. Still Shayne would not concede. So I asked him, "Well, Shayne, do YOU watch any white programming?" "What choice do I have?" he replied. Touché my friend. Touché. So, could race relations in this country be improved if white people simply watched more black programming? Who knows? But for my part, I promised Shayne that I would watch "Life", but with this serious caveat. (That's it people, that's the first time I've used the word caveat in my life... well, if you don't include me asking someone what the hell caveat means. Did I use it right? Man, I hope not.) The caveat is this: I will watch "Life", but if I don't think it's funny, that's it. No more black movies for me. Never again. It was at this point that Shayne began tearing up. No, not because of my incredibly moving promise to him, but because... well, we had both been laughing kinda hard during this whole exchange, but I won cause I got him to laugh so hard that he felt the need to physically remove himself from my presence. What can I say? I sometimes have that effect on people. though, admittedly, sometimes they just feel the need to remove themselves from my presence cause I'm so stinky. Later peeps.

Until next time: I... met a boy... wearing VANS.. 501s. and a dope Beasty tee... nipple tattoos that claimed the he... was OGT... back in 92... from the first EP... And in between... sips of Coke... he told me that he thought we were selling out... laying down... sucking up... to the man.