twice the smartass, half the laughs
Hurling Flaming Cars at People Can Be Effective
Post Date: 06/05/2006

Okay junkies, here's your spoiler alert. Yesterday, I went to see X-Men 3. "What?" you're all thinking, "You mean, you weren't out there on opening night? What did you do with the real Jimmy?" Relax peeps, it's me (or....is it? dum dum dum!). I did not see X3 on opening night for two very good reasons. The first is my incredibly debilitating fear of crowds. The second is that I don't think Joe was available to go on opening night. I don't really remember. The point is this: I went last night, and now I'm gonna talk about it. So, if you haven't seen it yet, you may want to wait until after you've seen it to read this, as I may divulge such movie secrets as: there are mutants in this film, and everybody dies at the end of it. So, here we go. Some things I thought were cool about it, and some things I thought were not.

This latest, and I guess last, installment of the X-Men movie franchise (that is, unless you count the Wolverine solo flick that is rumored to be out as soon as 2008. I will be in line for that one on opening night. Surprised? I didn't think so.) features the introduction of a few new characters. I was under the mistaken impression, that if a new character was introduced, they would be somewhat significantly involved in the story line (like Nightcrawler in the second film). That was not the case. Beast was totally cool. Especially when the fighting started. He was nothing short of a furry blue bad ass, and I enjoyed that. Angel, on the other hand, might as well not even been in it. It seems as though the only purpose for him in the film was to show that the son of the man who found "the cure" was a mutant, and to save his dumb ass dad's life right at the end. He should've let that dude fall. I was very skeptical of Juggernaut going in. From the previews, he just didn't look big enough. He's played by that dude who played Bullet Tooth Tony in "Snatch". What's his name? Right, Vinnie Jones (thank you IMDB). I like Vinnie Jones, and he was pretty good as Juggernaut. He was a big, unstoppable bruiser, who appeared to be pretty stupid, which was about right. But, even with the wonders of CG and makeup effects, as I suspected, he just wasn't big enough. Also, Juggernaut didn't even give a "What up?" to the prof when they were outside of Jean's house. That's not very brotherly behavior, is it? It was very reminiscent to me of when Wolverine and Sabertooth first met in the first movie. There was no snide back and forth, no calling Woverine "runt"...nothing. Apparently, they didn't even know each other. That's just insulting. I liked Cutie (oops, I mean Kitty) Pryde, played by the delightfully diminutive Ellen Page. She's so small and cute, you could just put her in your pocket. Hey, here's and interesting fact (not really). All three actresses to play Kitty Pryde were canucks. Yet, Hugh Jackman, the only actor to play a Canadian character in the film is, himself, Australian. Wow...acting.

Anyway, as you are well aware, I could go on and on and on..... but, I won't. So, here's a quick recap of the things I particularly liked, and the things I didn't. (If you just got the feeling that I just read over this thing and realized that it could conceivably go on forever and therefore decided to shorten it up, then you are correct....and you are welcome.)

Cool:
1. Wolverine taking out that Sentinel in the Danger Room right at the beginning.
2. Beast kicking ass (I know I already said that)
3. Phoenix tearing people apart into little particles
4. When Mystique killed that guard
5. Phoenix killing Scott (yep, never been a big Cyclops fan. can you guess why?)
6. Riding down that big slide with Allee at the Bounce House (wait, that wasn't in the movie)
7. Oh, I also liked that when Magneto met that dude who could multiply himself (who's name I can't remember) and he said "Oh, I could use someone like you." and then he totally did. Too bad that's all that dude was good for, otherwise he might've been in the movie more. Well.... he probably wouldn't have.

Not Cool:
1. How they made Jean look all freaky zombie like when she was the Phoenix
2. There was NOT ONE fiery ascension of the Phoenix
3. Why was Jean dressed like the Scarlet Witch?
4. Too much story, not enough time
5. The mixing of different titles' storylines. I felt it did the movie a disservice.
6. Non developed characters
7. Missing characters
8. The Leech looking like some little regular dude, instead of being the weird little green dude we all know he is.
9. That Ben Foster got billing over Cameron Bright

In conclusion, I guess I didn't really like it as much as I thought I did. I thought it was okay. I just really, REALLY wish that Bryan Singer and Brett Ratner hadn't decided to switch movies. I'd say it will all be worth it if Superman Returns is awesome, but it won't. I don't give a shit about Superman. Superman has been done to death. Though, Batman has been done to death as well, and I did enjoy Batman Begins. Whatever. So, in summation (again) watch out Ebert. And for you, my loyal readers, I hope you all learned a very important lesson today. That lesson is: When I choose to write about a subject that is not me, the blog suffers. Isn't it just funnier when I'm in it? Let me save you the trouble of answering...it is. Though, I guess the one benefit would be, that I didn't once feel the need to explain about my dual sites. And that's a pretty big benefit, isn't it Chuck?

Until next time: Biggest gang I know they call the government. Gang is a weapon that you trade your mind in for. You gotta be just - be just like them. The gang and the government are no different, the gang and the government are no different, you know the gang and the government are no different. That makes me 1%. That makes me 1%.
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