twice the smartass, half the laughs
If I Weren't Such A Procrastinator
Post Date:

I probably would've churned out a couple of blog posts in the last month, instead of sitting around not doing anything and thinking to myself "Man, I should write about this...or that...or maybe...". You get the idea, right? Like a couple of weeks ago I had a great idea for a post about a day that Sweet-Lee and I spent together. See, she was sick and we spent the day at home where she kinda laid around in a general malaise and occasionally threw up, while I doted and tried to make her feel better and occasionally got thrown up on. (Hmmmm, kinda sounds familiar for some reason.) I even had the perfect title. You ready? No? Okay, I'll wait. You ready yet? Oh, good, here it is: "Chicken Noodle Puke". Awesome huh. Now, I know what you're thinking. You're thinking "Jimmy. Is what I mean to say is...didn't you...I I...detect a bit of six pack abs action kickin'? You've been working out haven't you, you sexy beast." To which my natural response would be "Wow. How completely random and off the subject but very sweet. I have actually been exercising a bit and while I've definitely noticed a slight reduction in the paunch, I don't quite think I'm sporting a six pack yet. But thanks." Or I could've written about how I got sick (from guess who) right after that day and slipped into a snotty cloud of delirium that I am only just now fully recovered from. Or, I could've told you about my new friend Mr. Michael Cornacchia. He's an actor and comedian and friend of this girl I went to high school with (who was totally hot for me by the way, but that's another blog entirely. Um...don't tell my wife I said that. Oh, and even though I didn't actually name the girl who I went to high school with, if you happen to know who she is (I'm looking at you Ross. (Wait a minute, Ross doesn't read my blogs. Whew.) Oh, wait, I might be lookin' at you Jessie. Let me see, who else from high school can I name who you don't know. Hmmmm, maybe I'll just make up a name.) Where was I? Oh, right, if you happen to know who she is, don't tell her I said that either. Thanks buddies. Or, I could regale you all with the wonderful story of how last Thursday night I ran into Vince Neil and Nikki Six (of Motley Crue fame) in the French Quarter and our evening of drinking and debauchery. I mean, it didn't really happen...but that's never stopped me before right? But no. I don't write about anything. And then when I finally do, what's it about? Nothing. How I don't write anything. How I would've written this or that. Would've, could've, should've. Lame right? What can I say? I'm lame to the nth degree (For all you math geeks out there, that's: jimmy = lamenth.) But you all knew that already. And you love me anyway, right? RIGHT? Oh, wait, there was something I meant to mention before I left (All together now: Collective groan). It's about how much I love NASCAR.

I hate NASCAR. Well, I guess hate's too strong a word. I mean, really, I'm fairly indifferent to NASCAR. That is, until I found myself hating it the other day. Let me explain. Since my darling, beautiful, angelic Sweet-Lee became a raving television addict, watching my TV shows while they are airing is no longer an option. Fortunately, with the advent of DVRs, I have been able to keep up with my favorite shows. This Monday night I was particularly excited, because on Sunday I recorded an all new Simpsons, and all new Family guy and the series premiere of Unhitched. (I though I'd give it a chance because it was created by the Farrelly brothers and...well, I think we're all hot for Rashida Jones. I mean, aren't we? Come on.) An hour and a half of comedy just waiting for me. So, after I put Sweet-Lee to bed, I settled on the couch and, after I had checked to make sure I wouldn't be a disruption to my beautiful wife who was working in the living room, I flipped on the tube, navigated the ole' DVR to the Simpsons, hit play...and went into a blind rage. NASCAR!! WTF??? No, not a NASCAR race, the frickin' post race analysis. Post race analysis?? what the hell? They played all the programming in it's entirety afterwards. "Oh, well at least you still got it right?" You may think. My angry response would be "REALLY?? REALLY?? You think I did? Does your DVR adjust itself for things like this? Really? It does? Um...where did you get it? CAUSE MINE DOESN'T!!" If I had to silver line it, I did get to watch the Family Guy, but the damage was done. So, without further ado, here is an open letter to the guy who decided to push programming back so that we didn't miss one second of that all important post race analysis:

Dear Sir,

It is with great respect and admiration for the wonderful job you and your associates at FOX do that I feel compelled to contact you in regard to the smallest of complaints that I wish to convey. Recently, I found some of my favorite programming pushed back so that we could view the NASCAR post race analysis in it's entirety. I'm afraid I find myself in a minority in this country in that I don't particularly care for NASCAR (I see enough people driving fast and recklessly on my daily commute). I do, however, realize that a large percentage of your viewership enjoy that "sport" very much and greatly appreciate you broadcasting the races, and to that I say "More power to them." As for moving programming to accommodate the post race analysis, I do unfortunately have an issue with this. There are two main reasons I feel that this (and post race analysis for that matter) are unnecessary. The first is this: I myself, have never met a casual NASCAR fan. What I mean is that every NASCAR fan I've ever met loves their favorite drivers (and hates every other drivers) and knows, seemingly off the top of their heads, all of their stats including where they placed in every race and where they need to place to win whatever cup or what not. Indeed, I'd estimate that the average NASCAR fan could probably provide more insight and information than your post race analysis did. To that end, I feel your post race discussion is superfluous. The second reason (an in my humble opinion, the more important of the two) is that these racers drive around, really fast, in a circle. Let me repeat that: THEY DRIVE AROUND IN A CIRCLE!! What exactly are you analyzing? They're all trying to drive faster than the other guy, and they're all going around in a circle. Perhaps it's my limited perception of all of the intricacies of this great sport, but could you please tell me why it takes your commentators and extra half hour after the race to convey what I believe I just got across in one sentence? I'm dying to know. so, in summation, may I just respectfully and humbly say "Fuck you."

Jimmy Gay

Whew, I feel better. Thanks everybody. I'll be back. Maybe a week, maybe a month, maybe a year. whoever knows with me right? the one thing you can be sure of is, when I DO post again, it'll be too long an not funny enough. After all, it IS what I'm known for (that and being totally unreasonable). Later gators.

Until next time: No, I don't wanna. No No No, I don't wanna no no. No, I don't wanna, I don't wanna, no no no, I don't wanna no no. I don't wanna be quiet, I' don't wanna be good. I don't wanna do anything if you tell me I should. I don't wanna listen to you, if you call I won't come. Cause all I want to do have a tantrum.