twice the smartass, half the laughs
Poker Faces and Big Girl Panties
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This past Friday I attended the first, of what I hope will be a regular poker game with myself and some of "my boys" as it were. (Yes, what you have suspected it true. I am incredibly hip. I mean, not hip enough to spell boys with a "z", but hip nonetheless.) Were good times had by all? Well, you'd have to ask them, but I can tell you this: A good time was had by me. Everyone got to learn something about my poker game that I'm sure they'll be concerned with in upcoming games. You see, I'm not much of a bragger (contrary to what chuck might want you to think), but when it comes to poker, I am very good at two things. No, scratch that. Let me say that I am very VERY good at two things. Those two things: Betting wildly and tipping my hand. That's right. It's a formidable combination to be sure. I match bets, I raise and raise again, all with reckless abandon and seemingly no strategy. Man, imagine the damage I could do if I could bluff. But alas, that brings me to my second all powerful weapon of poker, my tell. You know how some people have a tell, like they cough when they have a good hand, or rub their eyes when they're bluffing? Yeah, my tell is pretty subtle, almost unperceivable actually, but I'll tell you what to look for. Look for phrases such as "Oh shit!" and "You have got to be kidding me!!" to come from me when I get dealt a bad hand. Or, conversely, you may hear things like "Oh yeah!" or one of my favorites "WHOOO-HOOO!!" when I'm dealt a good hand. Yep. You know all those things you're supposed to internalize when you're playing poker? Yeah...well...I don't. Now a couple of highlights from the night:

1. Troy to Joe (Who was shuffling to decks of cards together): "Oh, you shouldn't have any trouble shuffling those decks together with those big strong hands."
2. Joe's reply to Troy: "Um... are you hitting on me?"
3. Me constantly asking to play with Joe's Wii, and then betting myself out of the game to do it.

And then, the absolute best part of the night (for me anyway): On my last hand, as we were all pretty comfortable in buzzed mode, I placed a bet that was a random collection of chips (a little of this, a little of that, a little of this...again) and then sat back and laughed for the approximately ten minutes it took for everyone else to figure out what I had put down and match it. For some reason, it made me laugh my ass off.

Also this weekend, Shelley and I embarked on what I hope to be a very brief journey in potty training Allee. We went to Target and bought her some big girl panties which she became very excited about. We made sure she knew that she could only wear her new panties if she let us know when she had to go to the bathroom. Well, of course she agreed, and then proceeded to piss herself twice and drop a deuce into her Little Mermaid panties. After that last slip, Shelley suggested that instead of expecting her to tell us when she has to go, or constantly asking her if she needs to, we just put her on the potty every thirty minutes or so and see if she goes. This has been a very good method and she's doing really well. (Though how much of this is due to her "getting it" and how much is due to her addiction to M&Ms (which we use as a reward for going on the potty.) I cannot say.) I know there will be some accidents, but she's progressing nicely and Shelley and I are very proud of her. I just hope I can avoid cleaning up any more poops in the panties, as the one I cleaned up this weekend didn't go very well. Normally, when I'm cleaning a poopy pull-up, it all kinda stays together, as Allee has usually mashed it up somewhat while it was in there. (Delightful no?) But when I was cleaning up those panties, man the poop was falling everywhere (I changed her standing up. Smart huh?). I narrowly escaped the falling nuggets myself. (Though I'm sure some of you, for the sake of this story, would rather I had suffered the sting of being covered in my daughter's poop. Well, better luck next time jerks.) But, like I said, she seems to be getting it now. (Sniff) My baby girl is groing up.

Now before I go, do you watch Heroes? If not, you're doing yourself a serious disservice. And if you are, man, you just knew that Nathan was Claire's dad didn't you? Didn't you (Jessie)? I did. Also, Peter is the man. When invisible dude helps him get his powers under control, he'll be unstoppable. To bad he's such a do-godder, cause he'd make one hell of a formidable villain. So, that's it. Late peeps, and thanks to those who still read my blog even though they're so sporadic and way to long and not quite funny enough to justify reading all the way through. Man, I'm really selling it aren't I. I should work in advertising. Oh, wait, I almost forgot, I heard there was some sort of football game this past weekend. How'd that end up?

Until next time: I'm not a prisoner I'm a free man, And my blood is my own now. Don't care where the past was, I know where I'm going ...out!