twice the smartass, half the laughs
Post Holiday Wrap Up
Post Date: 12/29/2006

Hey everybody? How were your holidays? Yeah? Oh, really? Ha ha. What? What's that? You in the back... what did you say. No, not you jerk. You, behind him. Yes you. What did you say? Your fish died? On Christmas Day? Suck. Sorry to hear it. What? Mine? Um...I don't own a fish. Oh, my holiday? It was pretty good. Thanks for asking. As a family, we racked up pretty good. Of course Allee reaped the biggest rewards (as it should be) but we all made out fine. After all, isn't getting presents what Christmas is all about? what? What's that? You don't celebrate Christmas? How do you get people to buy you stuff then? Well, anyway, as the new year rapidly approaches, I would be remiss if I did not share a couple of things with you in what will be my last official blog of 2006. So, wipe those salivating chins my friends and buckle up cause... HERE WE GO!!!

My what an exciting intro, no? I only wish I had something as exciting to share with you. Unfortunately, as is often the case with me, this blog will very likely not live up to the hype. As a matter of fact, I'm kinda at a loss as to what to talk about. It seems like I had an idea, but I've completely lost it. So...no, wait. Now I remember (much to your chagrin no doubt). I'd like to share a brief (yeah right) story of my beautiful, intelligent, wonderful daughter: Caroline Allee "Gator" (in this blog at least) Gay. This story is about something that is near and dear to your heart... something you never get tired of reading about... and, of course, something it's been far to long since I've written about. That's right dear readers, this story is about.......(is the suspense killing you yet? No? Okay.).......................(How's that? Better? Wait, now I've forgotten what I was talking about. Oh, that's right...) shit.

"Allee, what are you doing?" Shelley asked. We both knew, but we just didn't want to believe it. Wait, as usual I've gotten a tad ahead of myself. Let me back up just a bit. (Just one click.) Tuesday we left Lake Charles (where yours truly hails from and where my folks still live) at around ten in the morning. We were headed home from our annual Christmas visit. Finally, we were on the last leg. Now we just had a quick stop in Baton Rouge to have lunch with my brother Doug and my sister-in-law Courtney, then it was straight home. We were ready to be home after a couple of days of driving around. Lunch was pleasant enough. After a while of wanting to run around in the parking lot and dodge cars, Allee finally settled down and we were able to eat lunch. It's always good to see Doug and Courtney. (Oh, by the way, remind me that I need to call them and find out what their New Year's plans are. Cool? Thanks.) Well, after we left Baton Rouge, Gator fell asleep watching Cinderella, and when we got home I put her in her bed and she slept until about five-thirty or six. We were a little worried about her getting to sleep that night cause she had taken such a late nap and slept so long, so, when it was time for bed, we thought that a nice relaxing warm bath might help calm her down, and ultimately help to get her to sleep. So, Shelley drew a delightfully warm bubble bath for our little angel and we put her in and we soon became very aware that something we hadn't even though about had been conspicuously missing from that day. Something we take for granted and don't really think about until it comes along. "What is it?" you may ask. "Oh," I'd respond, "I think you already know. But if you don't, it's a bowel movement."

Things were going normally enough when Shelley noticed Allee assuming a familiar position. Not generally familiar in the tub you understand, but something we've seen her do almost everyday since she could walk. She was in full squat when Shelley asked (eyebrows raised) "Um, Allee. What are you doing?" I looked over Shelley and further questioned "Allee, are you poo pooing in the tub." she denied it at first. She said no, but with that cute little giggle she does that really means yes. Shocked and a little confused I brushed some of the bubbles away to get a clear look into the tub, and there they were. Thee little nugs (as I like to call them) floating gently in the tub, dissolving as they did. "Allee!!" I shouted "Don't poop in the tub!" But of course it was too late. So, we pulled her out of the tub and I cleaned it all up and drew her another bubble bath. Guh. We put her back in, and Shelley and I looked at each other and we kinda giggled. (Yes, I giggled. What can I say? I'm kinda giggly.) I mean, what can you do in that situation really? We were just glad it wasn't worse. Then, almost as if her bowels had heard us, I saw something bob up in the bubbles. She had very stealthily squeezed one out again while we weren't looking. And this one... this one... well, this one was the real deal. No little nugs this time, just one big turd bobbing up and down in the tub like some buoy in the ocean. No, I'm wrong, there were a couple of nugs that had apparently broken free of this monstrosity. So, this time, we pulled the plug, and I fished the turds out with a plastic cup and deposited them in the toilet. Double guh. Then we ran the water and washed her standing up and got her out of there p-d-q. Man, that was a blast. Fortunately, it seems to have been an isolated occurrence as we bathed her last night without incident. Of course, that could've just been because she asked me to get in her bath with her and I made her promise not to poop in the tub before I agreed. Of course, if she had...well...man, wouldn't that have made a great story. For you I mean. For me it'd be...well, shitty. (And no, I won't apologize for that horrible pun.)

So, that's it for this year. I hope everyone has a great and safe New Year's celebration. Thanks to all of you who read my blog. I hope you'll continue. And to those of your who don't... well, it's no use insulting you as you're not reading this one. Oh, before I go, I wanted to let you know that I am officially enjoying Direct TV. Hooray for me right? Also, I made it to my fantasy football super bowl, which is this weekend. Wish me luck. Later peeps.

Until next year: Gonna grab my baby, gonna hold her tight, gonna grab some afternoon delight. My motto's always been; when it's right, it's right. Why wait until the middle of a cold dark night.
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