twice the smartass, half the laughs
Sugar Free
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So look here peeps. I've noticed that my blog views take a dive when I stray from my normal subject matter and try to lay down a little selfless sweetness. I've drawn the following conclusion: Me being nice is neither funny nor interesting (to you anyway). Yet, me being mean and cynical, or stupid just makes your taints tingle. Particularly when it's accompanied by some sort of disgusting bodily crud either coming out of or raining down upon me. Is that about right? Is that what you want? I mean, that one about Gator puking olives on me all night had something like 150 views, and that bitch was long. Really long, like even for me. I know some of you had to take breaks and come back to it (though maybe that's why it seemed there were so many views. How many of you got counted twice I wonder?), and you did. I guess. I don't really know. So, what's up with that? Can't bear the thought that I might actually be a nice guy underneath my cynicism. Well, guess what? You're in luck, cause I'm not. Ask someone who knows me. I mean, really really knows me. They'll tell you.

Anyway, enough about me (ha, you should be so lucky) have you seen this show "Bridezilla"? Jesus christ. I honestly can't tell you what's worse, these bitches getting married, the obviously spineless men who agree to marry these bitches, or the fact that this show exists at all. Now, don't you think that I'm using the term "bitches" like some dudes refer to all women as bitches. I mean these women are straight bitches. That's, like, why they're on the show. I can't even comprehend why these "bridezillas" would agree to be on this show in the first place. I mean, am I missing something? Is there some sort of monetary compensation that I'm not aware of? Who, in their right mind, would go on national television and proclaim "Look at me world, I'm a total bitch." Well, apparently, quite a few bitch brides would. Now, I know you get a lot people showing what assholes they are on these talk shows, right? But really, from what I understand, their mostly fakes or inbreds. I actually had a couple of buddies who went on... I don't know if I can actually mention the show by name (let's just say it rhymes with "Mally Hessie Japheal") and they actually went on the TV and claimed to have theses different fetishes. It was awesome, unlike this "Bridezilla" show, which sucks (Of course that doesn't mean I won't keep watching it, does it?)...

...Um, Look here. I just got distracted. My buddy Troy made me go check out that chick who got a television development deal after uploading all her homemade videos to YouTube. So... I kind forgot what I was talking about. Now, all I can think about is "What if I could do it?" I mean, couldn't I? Aren't I wicked awesome funny? Don't I like to make littles videos and cartoons? Why not me? What do you mean I'm too lazy? Oh, right. Touché, bro touché. Well, maybe I won't get some deal to develop new programing, but you'll still like me right? Right? Fuck you. Ungrateful bastards. (Man, this might be the most convoluted one yet. Have I actually even finished a train of thought yet? Wait, do I ever? More importantly, can I bring it all together?)

So, I'm out. But, before I go, I'd just like to wish everyone a happy fourth of July. Yes, everyone, but especially my buddies across the pond. You hear that kids? Happy 4th of July. Remember back when my country kicked your country's ass because you wanted to tax us without representation? Ah, good times. Isn't it great that we all get along now, and can laugh about it? Oh, America, what a country. I mean where else can stupid bitches document every step of their stupid bitchy weddings, or where some twenty year old chick can become the darling of the most popular video sharing site in the world, or where some not so funny, dorky dude who wants to believe he's not really as nice as he is, can find an audience for his inane ramblings? Where else? Really. America....what a country. Yep, that'll about do it. Later peeps.

Until next time: I thought that my home was my castle, with nobody patronizing me. No pigs, no lying bitch, no hassle. Y'all are brutalizing me.