twice the smartass, half the laughs
The Fruits of My Labor (Day Weekend)
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Can you feel it? There's excitement in the air. It's positively electric. Initially, as is often the case, I intended to write this blog earlier in the week. As you may have guessed from the title (unless you're an idiot. Are you? An idiot? Of course you're not. we all know that only the most intelligent, well informed, most discerning people read my blogs. So the chances that you the reader are an idiot are, of course, infinitely small. Excuse me for a moment won't you, I've some shit I need to wipe off my nose.) the subject of this blog was to be all about my wonderful Labor Day weekend. I wanted to regale you with delightful prose about my many wondrous adventures of the preceding holiday. Yes, dear reader, I longed to wax poetic of my late arriving (and long overdue) birthday present. You see, after eight years of asking for this item, on every birthday and Christmas, and anniversary, my wonderfully lovely angel of a wife finally broke down and purchased me my long coveted Mike Allstott jersey. (He's a football player. Probably my favorite player. He plays for the Tampa Bay Buccaneers. They're my favorite team. Oh, also, insert Chuck's standard "Jimmy's gay for Mike Allstott" joke here. Hardy har har bro. By the way, I was wearing that jersey when I beat your ass two games to one last weekend. Suck on that. But I digress...) Now, if I can just get her to buy me a home jersey too, we'll be in business. I also wished to recount the lovely visit we had with Shelley's parents, and the fun we had at Alison's (the doppelganger) birthday party, or the aforementioned two games to one Madden domination, or the delightfully racially insensitive "white party" I attended (I'm just kidding. It wasn't really a white race party. It was a party in which everyone wore white. Something about Labor Day and all that I think. Anyway, it was a pretty fancy shmancy affair. Besides, if it had really been a "white party" (like white person) then Gary would've only been able to go to half of it, but they let him stay through the whole thing.), or of the delicious steaks we grilled up on our lazy labor day (thanks Gray). But no, my friends. I cannot speak of any of those things (even though I obviously just did). For you see, I am preoccupied. With what you may ask? Listen closely my friend's, and I shall tell you. Are you listening...

...kind quiet isn't it? Yeah, that's because this isn't some crazy audio blog. It's just a regular blog. So, I guess I should've said "read closely", but that doesn't quite have the same ring to it. So, you probably already know what I'm preoccupied with, but let me just say, I wasn't always this enamored with it. My wife made me this way. Blame her, I know she does. Before we got together, I could take it or leave it. Once we met, though, and began dating, she showed me the way. She showed me what there was to love about it (albeit on the collegiate level). That would be my first foray. She's a huge LSU fan, as am I, which is pretty funny if you think about it, because neither of us went to school there. But the college football madness is somewhat infectious, and as LSU are the big dogs in Louisiana college football, if you become a fan, I find it's only natural to gravitate to them. Besides, it is invariably less disappointing putting your faith in the Tigers than, oh say the Saints. Apples and oranges you might say, but I say nay bro. Nay. Football fans want good football. They want a team they can believe in, whether that's in college, the pros, or hell, even prep football, which, by the way, is something of a phenomenon in the South. The whole South too. Not just Texas, as Hollywood and the networks would have you believe. Wait a minute, I've gone way off topic here haven't I? Sorry about that. Also, to compound matters, I just stopped to eat my lunch and I forgot where I was going with this. I would read it over to remind myself, but it does look really long, and terribly boring. So, I'll just say, the reason I'm so preoccupied is that tonight, at 7:30 pm CST, the NFL's season officially begins (with an incredible match up to boot), and with it, the fantasy football season as well. I'm in two leagues, so do me a favor and please keep your fingers crossed that Chris Chambers has a big night (which he just might) and that Willie Parker has a big night too. Even though, realistically, I think that with Big Ben out of the equation, Miami's gonna stack the line and shut Parker down, and dare Charlie Batch to throw against them. Hopefully they'll be effective in a three receiver set, and they can spread the defense a bit, which will give FWP (fast Willie Parker) some running room. Like I said, hopefully. What can I do? I'm kinda thin at running back. Oh, did I mention I'm a football geek. Oh, but you probably already got that didn't you? Smart as a whip you guys are. And strong with the force this one is.

Until next time: "You are wonderful" "Thank you. I worked very hard to become so." "I've admitted you are better than I am." "Then why are you smiling?" "Because I know something that you do not know." "Yes, and what is that?" "I am not left handed."
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